Wednesday, July 22, 2015

overdue update

There isn't very many people who read this who don't have access to my Facebook page, so all of this will be old news to you... For the few who read because its there to read, I apologize for my extremely long absence. With the abundance of events that have occurred I will most likely have to tell you all what happened, then split all the stories into single posts.. if i tried to explain it all, we'd be here forever!

A million things have happened since the (GASP) almost 2 years it's been since I updated this, I'm not even sure which ones are important enough to list, but here's off the top of my head. There arent listed in order either, just the order that my brain tells my fingers to type them.  I am no longer a dispatcher (super long story),lost a friend due to the issues of no longer being a dispatcher, lost a vehicle and gained another, gained a million pounds (only slightly an exaggeration here), gotten a new job but haven't started yet, gained a few nieces and nephews, have my Daughter living with me, and Lost my Mom.

I'm sure most people would have listed losing their Parent first, i typed it multiple times, deleted it multiple times only to retype and delete it again. I hated looking at the words there just staring at me, like little taunting reminders while i typed out the rest.. I had to wait until the end, i had to.

My mom passed away May 29th, 2013. While we fought like crazy ALL.THE.TIME, she really was my everything. She had been very sick for a very long time and I know shes in a better place and I know shes happy finally being with my dad and my brother and so many others. I just wasn't ready to let go, i don't think i ever would have been. I don't think I still am..

To give you an idea, i began typing this post in 2013.  Ive visited it many, many times since then an being as broken as I am, have been unable to type anything.

So i know its worthless to restart anything 2 years later. But.. Now I am ready. I struggled, I broke down and I lived. I t would be nice to say it has gotten better, but in many ways it hasn't.

many of you know and for those who dont, now will, That i have studied photography for many years of my life.  The past 2 years i have heavily relied on the quiet, serene peace that just being alone in the world with my camera gives me.


The embedded image s one of the lat pictures I ever had the honor of taking of my mom. She bought me my first camera, she took the time to lug me to classes and buy roll after roll of film, before the digital era. She spent countless amount of money getting a million rolls of film developed, only to tell me how amazing each image was.. even if it really was crap. She was always my main supporter and cheerleader. I miss her.


in closing... it took 2 years, but i can type again. i have a voice again. My camera gives me that voice and i am thankful that my mom shoved a camera in my face and told me to roll with it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

mushy gushy post... read at your own risk...

Most who know me are very used to the tough chick act. So when I do things like cry, or show that I do indeed have a heart, the world seems to stand still. I accept that, and the shock and awe that comes with it.
There's your warning... This is a very different (and difficult) post from the usual, but it's the truth... Read on at your own risk and will!

Do you remember those essays you had to do in High School, and sometimes College, about the person or the event that helped shaped the outcome of who you are today (or you wanted to be)? I vaguely remember mine from College, mainly subject matter. I'm sure trying to go back and find the exact essay would prove to be more difficult than finding the lost city of Atlantis or Hoffas Body, so im honestly not going to even try.. So here is goes from memory and truer words now......

Most of us chose our parents, other family member, celebrity or Athlete. I chose a friend. A friend who in two sentences changed the entire view I had of myself (at the time) and formed the basis for how I view things today. She is a person who has never, and most likely never will, see(n) the amazing  possibilities that knowing someone like her can provide. At the time she may have not even been aware of the change she set into motion, in fact I am certain she didn't know based on her reaction when I told her.

I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. I am not known as the easiest person to get along with or be around. So, during High School I always felt like the odd person out. That girl that was only accepted because she was the friend of the friend who was just there. True, I did every sport, ROTC and Cheerleading but I never felt like I was a part of any of those. I didn't reach out to make myself known and I hate to admit, when people tried to let me in I shut down. For the most part I still do. I made myself just "ok" with being that part of the group that no one really cared was there, I raged an inner battle is more like it. To this day,  I keep in my own little bubble and don't come out very often. It takes a special person to break the safety bubble I place myself in.  I got off track, where was I....... The friends I had in High School were friends that I went grade to grade, school to school with mostly knowing my entire life. And then there was one. She wasn't an unknown person to me prior to this event. We knew each other, spoken before, just never enough to attach the "friend" label. All it took though, was One day, One grouping of sentences and One person. One tiny little stick of a person that with the most powerful softest voice changed my bubble.

I was so worn down from the nothingless hole I had sunk myself into that I had spent countless hours conversing with my Mom about the possibility of changing schools and starting over. I had broken my Mom down so much that she had agreed it might be better. Thus began my significant day. I can't tell you how or why the situation brought itself to light, or the exact wording. The small details escape me in the many years i've been away from school. I can't even be completely sure I was voicing any particular situation directly to her, or if it was just in her general area. Either way, the message she laid out in front of me sticks to me today. 

She told me (either directly or in passing) "No one was worth giving up anything for, and if i ever did. I would only prove them right. So be the person they think im not."

While i'm sure my Mom spend many a useless hour trying to drill the same idea into my head, for whatever reason it finally stuck. I went home that afternoon, and asked my Mom if I could stay where I was just a while longer to see if I can make it better. Which is exactly what I did.  There was still that one person who never liked me, that one "friend" who was friends with me for the wrong reasons, that one person in the group who didn't want me around. They were there, I'm sure of it, I just no longer cared. Because of a few simple sentences, High School was changed for me. My entire teenage and early adult life was changed.

I went on to finish High School, do the college thing and settle down and have a couple of kids. I STILL make sure that lesson is told to them, and I make sure they hear it. I remained friends with the one tiny little dynamite stick of a girl who helped me without ever knowing it. I have valued her friendship since that day, without ever making it known to her the amazing impact she never knew she had on me. Until recently.

Recently the opportunity to explain the powerful words she has was presented, and I took it. Part of me was dreadfully frightened that she would run screaming for the hills and return with a non-expiring Restraining order! I took the chance anyways, I figured at that moment, with the choices she was left to make for herself she needed to see the person that she is from someone who has seen it, felt it and been inspired by her. Now that I think about it I never did (even now) thank her for that day. One day I will.

I will always treasure the unknowingly amazing gift she gave me that day. I will always value her friendship and be eternally grateful to say I know her. I will always value her words, her advice and her opinion. I will always have her back (even when I think she's nuts), and I will ALWAYS be there for her, even a million miles and an ocean away.

She knows who she is and I will not publicize her name, because I don't need to. I posted this so she can really see the amazing potential she has to move other people with only words. I hope she takes nothing less away from this, except understanding that she is selling herself short if she doesn't take the same chance she did a million years ago outside the Drama Hall of High School. I hope anyone else who reads this takes a chance to reflect on the friend that in one way or another changed it all, and lets them see it. The most amazing of people underestimate themselves.

So to her I say Thank You a trillion times. Thank You for blurting out the obvious truth, Thank You for taking the time to look past the frightened shy shell I put into place. Thank You for making my life better with your friendship. Most importantly, Thank You for just being, being there to listen, being there to talk, being there to push me into being better. I pray that at least once in our friendship, I may do the same for you and MAYBE break even!

And specifically for her..... DO IT! YOU DESERVE IT!!!!! Take the leap, if you fall... I'll be here. If you succeed... I'll be here.. If you need to vent.. I'll be there..

To my best friend. The amazing human being you don't even know you are. Thank You!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Been a while... NO a long time....

So, here i sit... I haven't been here in a while because i have been busy... No lie.. Knock down drag out dirty dirty busy...

So it may be long, it may not... We shall see right? mostly uninformative, nonsensical (is that a word?), and all over the place.. the norm for me right?!

So much has happened since January (eek.. that was my last post... SORRY) .

 Like, just wow... School ended and is now beginning again. I have a 5th Grader.. FML, SMH a 5th grader.. let me say that louder..5TH G.R.A.D.E.R, as in 4 tiny little years until High School.. OH MY GODS high school... I dont think i am ready for that yet... Of course for him, those teensy little 4 years just isnt coming around fast enough, because well... he is just ready to jump ship and move along to driving and college... ugh! The girl, eh she's just fine being 8, enjoying the pink, and the Justin Beiber shirts.. Yeah uhm, Beiber... Gag me just a little alot.. She's getting into makeup and fashion though, not quite sure how i feel about that. Im not exactly the fashionista.. I know you are completely astonished right.. Me, not a fashionista WHAT!?! Totally true... My make up bag is lucky if it is opened and used BEFORE the expiration date of the make up, and my hair is lucky to get brushed sometimes, let alone fixed.. Although, i did throw some blue streaks in it for fun.. So that rocks!!!    The boy isnt quite understanding the concept of no drivers ed and no DL until age 15.. but oh boy does he have it all planned out.. He is convinced that he is going to get some super bad crazy camaro or superb awesome car.. Hells to the no child.. you's gonna be rocking it in my '01 ford Taurus!! I might even take the penguins out of it and the flower sticker off the back window.. or i could leave it.. He'll get attention that way right?! SO bless the flying spaghetti monster (WhooHOO Master!!! ) the boy wants to drive.. Help us ALL when that day comes, Im already frightened....

Other news, I am getting a Motorcycle.. uhm yeah driving almost across the entire length of my city to and from work is KILLING my poor already dry heaving bank account. Apparently some  motorcycle safety course is required by our state, so im knocking that our Tuesday and Wednesday. Let's all throw up a hail mary that I dont drop a bike.. AUTOMATIC FAILURE if i do so... :0/   if i do.. i will cry, be pissed off, then cry some more.. then possibly stalk the instructor till they pass me out of fear.. Only one part of that sentence am I kidding about... All in all i am guessing it will be a fun experience either way.. unless pain is involved ...

Still married, WOOT WOOT, still work at the same job, different hours, same pay...So nothing there has changed... I guess not much has really changed since January.. I can't imagine that being a good thing.. Maybe im just boring.. or Old.... Speaking of old.. I turned 31.. OMGODS.. 31.. this number, according to my children is old enough that i should be beginning to forget things. But only certain things.. They had a list.. I should forget .. that they need to clean their rooms, do homework, have chores, and their bed time.... But i should Remember... their birthdays, that they receive lots of gifts on their birthdays and that I once agreed that they could eat ice cream everyday for dinner ( no dice sly ones... i am not senile, im just over 30 )...

The kids and I had a discussion not so long ago about me being born in the 80's.. My son says " mom, isnt that the year that had all the neon and really bad hair?" yes child, yes it was...

I just took a second to read this over and MAN is my life boring... I have honestly run out of things to say...
till next time.. Ill try and come up with something good.....

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Re: Santorum

Well, I apparently pushed some buttons and ruffled some panties. I am absolutely ASTOUNDED with the feedback I got from my previous blog. I even lost a few "friends" over it. The friends is ion quotations because if I am unable to openly put my thoughts and opinions out there then I have no use for you!

First things first.. Let me remind everyone that this is a blog, MY blog in fact, and it is my thoughts and my opinions. I own the right to type out how I feel. Thats my right even without the world wide web as my tablet. If you don't like it theres a tiny little red button in the corner.. Its an X inside a little box. When you click this little box a magical thing happens... it closes the screen. Problem solved, no more staring at my blog .. 'K pumpkin!!!

I am very much in awe on the response that my tiny little blog got on the Santorum subject. After all I have like 2 readers :0) LOVES YOU! I'm thrilled that someone other than my 2 lovelys read it so far, but really... if you don't know me, do you REALLY have to be ugly??? Really? Oh so you do.. rock on douchy!!
In all of the bad response there was good.. Don't get me wrong I don't mind if you don't agree with my opinions, but did I have to be banned to an eternity in the fiery pits of hell over it. No, i think that was slightly, ok more than slightly, excessive..
To the person who stated that my children would be better off raised by dogs... to you i say only this.. WOOF!  I'm so glad that your evolutionary tree extends far enough to form such sentences. You baffle me, and annoy me :0) NO further comments for you.....

I will not go into detail for each comment made, good or bad.. I will say this.. I have and will always have right to my own opinions. You don't have to agree, disagree or even like them. I will still respect you for not agreeing with me and telling me why you think I am wrong if you do it with tact and dignity. *Telling me that I need to "off" myself to better the lives of those who know me is NOT tact and dignity :0).. BTW, im not manufactured by energizer.. i don't have an off switch.. hehe! * Telling me that you appreciate the fact that i am willing to stand up for what i believe in and that you just can't agree with me for your own listed reasons, is dignity and tact.. I appreciate you for that and I value your opinion and appreciate that you also can stand up for what you believe in ..

My opinion of this douche remains the same. Given time to reflect and really think about what i said, i will not change my mind. I will NOT apologize to the Christian nation for my blatant disregard for "their" religious beliefs.  I am actually quite appalled that I was asked to do so..

Matthew 7: 1-5 says : Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged and the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother "Let me take the speck out of your eye." when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye.

OMG, the evil one knows a bible verse... somewhere in the wrold i am sure i will get a message that i caused a Bible to explode... get over yourselves and let others live for themselves :0)

Adios.....



Sunday, January 8, 2012

Rick Santorum

This blog requires a warning... Read it carefully...
If you approve of Mr. Santorum or his beliefs you may want to exit now to retain your composure. If you are unable to hold an open mind or open understanding, the previous statement also applies to you.
This will be blunt, honest and Long... You've been warned.
I will start of with this, prior to this incident I was blissfully unaware of who this individual was. I have never been one to follow campaign trails or put great thought into what each candidate had to say. This Gentleman changed that.
 There is a news article floating around where Santorum stated, to Young Adults and Teenagers mind you, That children are better off having a parent in Prison than having two same-sex parents. Oh you haven't had the abounding pleasure of reading it yet, read it HEREThis infuriates me for so many reasons, and trust you shall read them all, but mainly I am just dumb-struck as to how this situation even presented itself. How is it that a School, a professional, learning, presumably safe environment allowed this monster to bury himself inside malleable minds? Had this been my childs school, lordy lordy would that district be tired of my voice and presence at this point. From what I can vaguely remember of High School (grade levels He addressed), we were still taught acceptance and individuality. Did this change in the last 10 years, did we start teaching our children and young adults that ignorance is our future?

Apparently this whack job never misses the chance to forcefully shove his out-dated, ignorant, and widely misinformed beliefs down the throat of anyone who just happens to be in the near vicinity of listening range. He suggests that the importance of two different sex parental role models or single parenting is preferred to same-sex couples, citing that children abandoned by Fathers (no mention of Mothers, Women go to Jail to) in prison are in worse condition than a child raised without a Father at all (does this mean he is allowing two women to parent? I'm confused.). This logic has more holes than the 90 dollar jeans at Abercrombie.  First I would like to point out that in his "rant", I refuse to rationalize it by calling it a speech, he  ONLY mentions lacking a Fathers presence, is it not JUST as important that a Child have a Mothers presence as well, or are we as Women still left unnoticed pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen slaving for our "Men"? He makes no mention of the Mothers who go to Prison, or mention of same gender Father parental relationships. While I am sure it should be assumed he means both sides of the Same Gender parental relationship, but if you are going to promote yourself as a biased ass, at least be complete in your stupidity. How does having a parent in prison differ from a parent in the military, a deceased parent, a divorced parent, or Grandparent(s) raising the child? How does it differ from a parent(s) who sign over all rights or flat out abandon their children because they (the parent) didn't want the child? He still places all of his eggs in a basket containing two parents. Unless my elementary math fails me... mother+ father = 2 parents, mother+ mother = 2 parents, father + father = 2 parents. The same math applies to mother+ imprisoned father= 1 parent.. so on and so on, you have the idea i'm sure. (Now before my Military friends attack me for placing Enlisted and imprisoned in the same comparison, it was done with the intention of pointing out that temporarily one parent is removed from the parenting structure.)

Santorum goes on to say that allowing Gay couples to marry and raise a child(ren) robs the child of a need, a right and something deserved. Also saying that we (as a rational, logical people I assume) may rationalize the truthfulness of it, and that in our own hearts and life, we know it to be true.... So NOW he not only knows whats good for EVERY child on the planet, he knows what we ALL think.. Santa watch out you aren't the only one watching anymore..... Does this guy listen to himself at all? Does he really think that by some higher power he knows everything that we should all believe? Didn't some of the most notorious Historic crazies have similar ideals, David Koresh anyone?... I may be WAY off the bench here, but Children NEED love, structure, care, parenting and an environment that provides them an outcome for success. This can be provided by any parental grouping. Children have a RIGHT to be taken care of, not be abused by the people they trust, be happy, and they have a right to learn to choose for themselves in all aspects of life. This can be provided by any parental grouping. Children DESERVE to be happy, to be loved, not be forced into any situation that steers them in the wrong direction , and most of all they deserve to be children. They deserve to play freely. They deserve to come into their own without bigots attempting to mold them into their personal clones. This can again be provided by any parental grouping. The only thing being robbed of children is the chance to be LOVED and cared for by a family. The person robbing children is Santorum simply because he doesn't agree with the lifestyle someone else chooses. A life that has no bearing on his or life of his family.

For the school that allowed this to take place, you should really be ashamed to call yourself a school. You didn't give these kids a safe learning environmentApologize to them, remind them that it is okay to think for themselves. Do your duty as Teachers, as educators.. Educate them rather than allow them to be deceived.

For the families affected by his words. Please understand that he is wrong. Please understand that you are perfect. Know that your family, regardless of the gender roles that make it up, is just like any other family. Ignore his words, become closer to your family and stronger because of them. Prove to him that he knows nothing, vote him out. Stay strong and love your family always.

It is very clear that this guy has no idea what equality is about. Where did his parents go wrong. He is preaching, YES I SAID PREACHING, that same-sex families are wrong in any way he can conjure up in his shallow attempts to validate his crap. In my non expert opinion... His parents caused more damage to him than any single or same sex parents could ever do to a child. His parents made him insecure, bigoted, and discriminatory. How proud they must be that their angel is making such a mess of himself to the free world. "Look Honey, little Ricky spread his ignorance over Kansas today.. it's like we always dreamed.."

It shouldn't matter who makes up the parental equation as long as the child is cared for, loved and taught values to make them successful members of society. This can be achieved by any combination of parenting. I lived a long part of my childrens early life as a Single Parent, sharing custody with their Fathers and whomever the Fathers chose to bring into their lives.My children

My heart goes out to the children left to decipher the trauma wave he dropped on them. The report stated that at least Three (3) children in attendance had Same Sex parents. High school is hard enough to get through  with the meanness in the world, how could he as a "Christian" man add more to these kids. As a very dear and wise friend put it... "as if they (the kids) don't have enough to overcome with the bullying in school, this jerk comes in and in their minds possibly solidifying what they have been picking on them for. even though it's not solidifying its the possible irreversible damage that has been done by this man's words could be detrimental to them."  He planted a seed in their mind, and in the mind of every other person in attendance that there's something wrong with the life these kids have, and he is wrong. Very wrong. With any hope parents, and kids alike, will be strong enough in themselves and in their families to look past what he said and know he is mistaken and lacking in values.

There are SO many kids on the news every day who went missing because their parents weren't watching them. Kids who are murdered at the hands of their parents, kids who die from negligence or parents just not caring. These reports come from every parental grouping there is. I see no reports of a massive trend of same sex parents murdering their children neglecting them. I see no reports on kids mistreated by their parents because they are same-sex parental groupings. I see kids bullied by other kids, bullied by their parents, bullied by themselves.. The ideals that this individual is preaching will not help things to get better. They will only take us steps back in the fight for equality.

I have always done my best to provide my children with the best tools to learn from and to learn to choose for themselves and make judgments on their own accord when that time comes. I don't always agree with the way my children choose to see things, but I as a parent will always support them.

There is another report out the Santorums ratings have fallen since this incident. I can't say i am surprised nor can I say I am the least bit concerned about his standings at this point. Santorum never had my backing or vote, he surely doesn't have it now.  Apparently his ratings have dropped from 6 percent to 3 percent in the Independent votes and 9 percent to 2 percent in voters aged 18-34.. With any hope it keeps dropping.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Computers and Nerdiness

Does having no news in your life equal the same ideal "No news is Good news?" I suppose for us it does.

Theres really nothing new or interesting going on in our lives, unless you count my newly built computer. YAY! The Hubster has been on my case for a while to join in on the PC gaming that he is so fond of. Previously I have stuck to Xbox or WII type platforms and have settled nicely with those..He finally broke me down and I agreed to buy up the parts required to build a gaming super computer... (honestly, the price was pretty comparative to stopping into best buy and buying one premade... but the parts are SO much better)
It has oodles of parts with 3 letter names that I couldnt decipher with a cereal box decoder ring.. ( dont lie.. you know you had one) Has something called a Modular power supply, I have NO idea what that means... but the HUbs was super excited about it..my entire excitement of the new computer was built solely on the Monitor... Yes thats right, the monitor... ITs Flipping HUGE!!!!!!

Anyhow, no one really cares to read about computer parts from someone who has no idea what they do.... but Since i have this new wonderful machine.. I have now discovered the world of PC Gaming... and i dont mean the addictive time waster facebook games....

Right now I'm obsessing over American McGee's Alice: Madness Returns... (also on other gaming platforms) It's 100% infuriating and 200% entertaining..

Basically Alice Returns to Wonderland batshit crazier than before and you run around basically beating the crap out of red eyed tea pots, oil people with baby doll faces and the Cheshire Cat pops up randomly to give you "hints" that must only make sense if you as well, are batshit crazy..

I LOVE IT!! It gets most of my attention and most of my vocabulary of foul language....



and now that  I have a blog written about a  video game... i will go sulk into my nerd solitude and think of a better review for this game! Look it UP !

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Facebook and the people who take it seriously

So I am an avid Facebook user.. (this is a perk of mine that my husband HATES!) I connect with people, play games, have insane conversations with people over things that don't make sense and I poke people ( cause im a dirty bird you see) Mainly I use facebook as my prime method of wasting time.. I seriously believe, OR DID, that that was most everyones use for Facebook.  Oh how I was so wrong...

There's always that ONE person who takes everything to the extreme, takes everything SO seriously that even the most well placed jokes are lost on them. I thought I was lucky enough not to have those people on my Facebook list of Friends.. Turns out, there is more than one "friend" that fits into that category. Most recently one who "defriended" me over a generalized comment on someone ELSE'S status. Had NOTHING at all to do with her, her lifestyle or anything in the genre of her really.. Yup I was "defriended". Short of deleting someone from cyber stalking you, what exactly is "defriending".. is it like in the 3rd grade where Sally took my pink color pencil without asking and I denounced her for life, of course forgetting the incident the second I was offered a cookie from her lunch? Is it the actual ending of a friendship, which if THAT is all it takes (a simple 1 click option over the internet) my guess is you were never friends to start with..
How is this crap taken seriously, I honestly don't get it. It's the internet people.. say it out loud with me.. INTERNET.. slower .. ok INNTERR (pause) NET. Got it.. Great.. I am honestly quite worried of the intellectual being and sanity of the individuals who turn Facebook into their reality.
I'm brash, I'm abrasive, crude even at times in the flesh, the internet and facebook will NOT be changing that aspect of me any time soon, so how is it that some people are SHOCKED out of their minds when I am brash and abrasive through text?
It's like the people who engulf themselves in video games to replace their reality.. Its not real life people.. its the internet..

Long stupid rant short... if you arent my "friend" on facebook dont try to be my friend to my face.. my attitude doesnt change and I sure as hell dont hide behind my firewall to protect me..  Blech...


On the plus side.. it's Christmas Eve! I'm baking, chilling and Gaming with my love and we got matching shoes today!! Ha! Go BOGO sales on expensive awesome shoes :0)